Episode #111: Play Nice At Work

Why is incivility at work increasing — and why should leaders care?

In many organizations over the last two decades, rudeness and bad behavior have quietly become “normal” at work. Research cited by The New York Times and Christine Porath shows that everyday incivility — eye-rolling, sarcasm, dismissive comments, public put-downs — doesn’t just hurt feelings. It releases stress hormones, wears people down, and erodes health, performance, and even their sense of self-worth.

For leaders in any industry, this matters because a culture of casual disrespect directly undermines productivity, engagement, and long-term loyalty. What feels like a “tough” style in the moment often turns into burnout, turnover, and a damaged reputation for the organization.

Mini-summary: Incivility is rising, and it’s not harmless. Disrespectful behavior at work directly harms people’s health, performance, and long-term engagement.

When researchers asked why people behave badly at work, many respondents said they feel overloaded and under time pressure. More than half reported being overwhelmed, and a large group said they simply “don’t have time to be nice.” Others believed that being kind is a sign of weakness, and that using position power aggressively is the fastest path to getting results and advancing their careers.

Some leaders worry that if they are approachable, they will lose authority or be taken advantage of. A significant portion believe they will look “less like a leader” if they smile, listen, and show empathy.

Mini-summary: Many leaders equate kindness with weakness and believe they do not have time to be considerate, so they default to a hard, positional style that feels safer but is ultimately damaging.

Many bosses rise through the ranks because they are strong individual contributors. They are promoted for their personal performance and technical ability — not necessarily for their ability to lead others. Once in a leadership role, they discover that the skills that made them successful alone are not the skills needed to inspire a team.

If leaders lack real influence skills, they often fall back on position power: issuing commands, using fear, and “pulling rank.” Their authority depends entirely on their title. Remove the title, and they struggle to persuade or inspire anyone.

Research from the Center for Creative Leadership shows that the number one cause of senior executive failure is an insensitive, abrasive, or bullying style. In other words, the very behaviors some bosses rely on for control are strongly associated with career derailment.

Mini-summary: When leaders lack true people skills, they hide behind their title. This bullying style may create short-term compliance but is closely linked to long-term leadership failure.

What is the real business cost of a bullying or abrasive boss?

Modern organizations need innovation, collaboration, and creative problem-solving. A “mini-dictator” can force compliance, but cannot force people to care, think deeply, or share their best ideas. Employees under a bullying boss do the minimum, protect themselves, and avoid risk.

From employee engagement research, a critical trigger for discretionary effort is feeling genuinely valued by one’s direct manager. When the boss’s approach is to “beat people up” to show who is in charge, that feeling of being valued never appears. As a result:

• Ideas are not shared.

• Information is withheld.

• Cooperation between departments is weak or nonexistent.

In a fast-paced, competitive environment where companies must do more with less, this is a severe opportunity cost.

Mini-summary: Bullying leadership suppresses innovation, damages cooperation, and kills discretionary effort, making the organization slower and less competitive.

How does bad leadership affect retention and succession?

Younger professionals today have very low tolerance for bad boss behavior. When they experience bullying or chronic disrespect, they simply leave — often taking their skills and training investments directly to competitors.

This creates several problems at once:

• High turnover in critical roles.

• Loss of high-potential employees just as they are becoming valuable.

• Weak succession pipelines because future leaders are not identified, developed, or retained.

When bosses hoard power, they also hoard opportunities. They fail to develop their team members, which leaves the organization exposed when they move on or burn out.

Mini-summary: Poor leadership accelerates turnover, weakens succession planning, and wastes training investments, especially among high-potential younger talent.

Many leaders are not deliberately cruel; they are simply disorganized and overwhelmed. Poor time management creates a constant sense of urgency and crisis. When everything is late or last-minute, the boss is always in firefighting mode — stressed, impatient, and emotionally reactive.

In that state, behaviors that look like bullying often appear:

• Barking orders instead of explaining.

• Blaming others for missed deadlines.

• Showing visible frustration or anger in front of the team.

Effective leaders operate more often in the “Not Urgent but Important” zone of time management. They plan, anticipate, and prioritize, so they have the emotional bandwidth to listen, coach, and encourage rather than explode.

Mini-summary: Disorganized leaders live in constant emergency mode, which makes respectful leadership difficult. Strong personal time management is a foundation for calm, effective people management.

Why is proper delegation essential for high-performing teams?

Many bosses are “task hoarders.” Their internal script is: “It’s quicker if I just do it myself.” In reality, this mindset creates three major problems:

1. The boss becomes exhausted
   They are overloaded, doing too many tasks at a mediocre level, instead of focusing on strategic work.

2. Team members do not grow
   Without meaningful responsibilities, employees do not learn, build confidence, or prepare for larger roles.

3. Succession planning breaks
   When only the boss knows how to do critical tasks, the organization is vulnerable if that person leaves or burns out.

Proper delegation is not simply dumping tasks. It involves selecting the right person, defining clear outcomes, providing support, and then trusting the employee to deliver. This is how organizations build a strong bench of future leaders.

Mini-summary: Poor delegation overwhelms leaders and under-develops staff. Smart delegation builds capability, confidence, and robust succession.

How can simple behaviors like smiling transform workplace culture?

It may sound basic, but a leader’s facial expression sends a powerful signal. A scowl often communicates disapproval, tension, or threat — even when that is not the boss’s intention. Over time, people learn to be cautious, silent, and defensive around that leader.

A deliberate, genuine smile, on the other hand, reflects a different internal mindset:
“I want my interaction to have a positive impact on this person.”

For the team member, being greeted with warmth rather than suspicion changes the emotional tone of the entire workplace. It makes it easier to ask questions, admit mistakes, and share ideas. A smile does not mean a leader avoids difficult conversations; it means they approach people with respect and humanity.

Mini-summary: Small signals like smiling or scowling shape how safe people feel. A leader’s warm, open demeanor encourages trust, communication, and engagement.

How should leaders communicate to build ownership instead of resistance?

Rattling off commands is not leadership; it is mere supervision. High-impact leaders explain:

• Why something matters (purpose and impact),

• Not only what must be done, or how to do it.

Using a questioning, “Socratic” style invites people to think:

• “How do you see this situation?”

• “What options do you think we have?”

• “What approach would you recommend and why?”

When employees arrive at insight themselves, they feel ownership. They are more committed to execution because the idea is, in part, theirs.

By contrast, leaders who only give orders may get compliance, but not commitment. They unknowingly train their teams to wait to be told, instead of taking initiative.

Mini-summary: Leaders who explain the why and ask questions build ownership and initiative; those who only give orders create dependency and passive compliance.

How can praise and coaching unlock higher performance?

Vague feedback like “good job” has little impact. Effective recognition is:

• Specific: Clearly describe what the person did well.

• Connected: Show how it contributed to the team or business.

• Encouraging: Reinforce that they should continue this behavior.

• Grateful: Thank them sincerely.

Coaching should also be forward-looking. Instead of dwelling on past mistakes, effective bosses recognize what was done well and then explore how it could be done even better next time. This requires the leader to step out of their comfort zone and aim for higher performance, not just “good enough.”

Over time, this style of feedback builds confidence, motivation, and a strong learning culture.

Mini-summary: Specific, constructive praise and future-focused coaching help people feel valued and capable, which drives stronger performance and continuous improvement.

What does it mean in practice to “play nice at work” — without losing results?

“Playing nice” is not about being soft or avoiding tough decisions. It means:

• Mastering your own time and emotions so you can lead calmly.

• Delegating intelligently to grow others and free yourself for strategic work.

• Treating people with respect, even under pressure.

• Communicating with clarity, context, and genuine curiosity.

• Recognizing and coaching people in ways that build confidence and accountability.

The sequence matters:

1. Leader attitude changes.

2. Leader behavior changes.

3. Team performance changes.

When leaders commit to this path, they create workplaces where people feel safe, valued, and motivated to contribute at their best.

Mini-summary: Respectful leadership is not a luxury; it is a strategic capability. When bosses “play nice” in the right way, performance, innovation, and retention all improve.

How can Dale Carnegie Tokyo help leaders build a respectful, high-performance culture?

Dale Carnegie has been developing leaders worldwide for more than 100 years, and supporting organizations in Tokyo for over 60 years. Our leadership, sales, presentation, executive coaching, and inclusive culture programs help managers:

• Shift from positional authority to true influence.

• Replace bullying or abrasive habits with confident, respectful leadership behaviors.

• Strengthen time management and delegation skills so they have more capacity to coach.

• Practice communication techniques that build trust, ownership, and engagement.

• Create environments where employees feel valued and are willing to go above and beyond.

By equipping leaders with practical skills and mindset shifts, organizations can turn the cost of incivility into a competitive advantage built on respect, trust, and high performance.

Mini-summary: With the right training and support, leaders can move from fear-based control to trust-based influence, transforming both culture and results.

• Incivility is expensive. Rude or bullying leadership damages health, innovation, engagement, and retention.

• Position power is fragile. Leaders who rely on title and fear may gain short-term compliance but risk long-term failure.

• Time management and delegation are people strategies. Overloaded, disorganized bosses are more likely to bully and less likely to develop their teams.

• Respectful behavior drives performance. Smiling, listening, asking questions, and giving specific praise create a culture where people feel valued and deliver more.

• Leadership development is essential. Structured training and coaching help leaders replace counterproductive habits with high-impact, respectful behaviors.

Founded in the U.S. in 1912, Dale Carnegie Training has supported individuals and companies worldwide for over a century in leadership, sales, presentation, executive coaching, and DEI. Our Tokyo office, established in 1963, has been empowering both Japanese and multinational corporate clients ever since.