How Leaders Can Strengthen Relationships With Their Team (Part One)

Most leaders want strong relationships with their team, but not every relationship works well—especially when performance feels uneven.

The fastest way to improve team relationships is to stop wishing people would change and start changing how you think, communicate, and lead.

Why do leaders get frustrated with the “80%” of the team?

**Because the Pareto Principle makes it feel like you’re paying for a lot of people who aren’t producing like the top performers—and that irritation can quietly poison relationships.** When leaders fixate on the high performers, they naturally spend less time with everyone else, and the “80% group” becomes demotivated, creating a painful loop where relationships worsen and results drop further.

A better approach is to accept that every team will have a distribution and then lead like an orchestra conductor: yes, you need the “first violin,” but you also need every section working together in sync and harmony. The job is to find ways to get the most from every person, not to build a culture where only the stars feel valued.

Do now: Stop labelling people as “the problem” and start designing how you will engage the whole team, not just the top 20%.

Can leaders actually change their team members?

**Not directly—you can’t change other adults, but you can change yourself and the way you interact with them, and that’s where results start.** If you approach lower performers with the same negative attitude every time, you’ll keep getting the same negative reaction back. The key is to adjust your approach “just three positive degrees”—a small shift in tone, curiosity, respect, and clarity that produces a different response from the other person.

This is the heart of Dale Carnegie thinking: creating change with people isn’t manipulation, and it’s not about “conniving” for them to comply. It’s about changing yourself first, and by extension changing the environment your team experiences every day.

Do now: Pick one person you’ve been dreading dealing with and change your approach by three degrees—calmer, clearer, and more constructive.

How do you stop criticism from wrecking motivation and trust?

**By practising the “no criticise, condemn, or complain” rule—because criticism almost never makes people admit they’re wrong; it makes them defend themselves.** Think about your own experience: when someone criticises you, your first instinct is usually to justify, explain, or push back. Your team members react the same way. If you criticise while knowing that, you’re setting yourself up to fail—and you’re also creating bad feelings that spread across the team.

This doesn’t mean you avoid accountability. It means you deliver standards without emotional attack. Focus on behaviour, impact, and next steps, not “what’s wrong with you.” When you remove condemnation, you make it possible for people to hear you—and improvement rises because defensive walls come down.

Do now: Rewrite your next correction into: “Here’s what I observed, here’s the impact, here’s what good looks like next time.”

How do you give honest, sincere appreciation without it sounding fake?

**By giving appreciation that is specific, concrete, and provable—because people are starved of real recognition and highly sensitive to flattery.** Many leaders don’t give dishonest praise; they give no praise at all. They assume people are paid to do the work and then wonder why cooperation feels hard. The result is a workplace where everyone is hungry for appreciation, yet distrustful of anything that sounds exaggerated.

The solution is evidence-based praise. For example: “Suzuki-san, I appreciated the fact you got back to me on time with the information I requested—it really helped me meet the deadline. Thank you for your cooperation.” It’s specific, true, and tied to impact, which makes it believable and repeatable.

Do now: Praise one person today using evidence: what they did, when they did it, and why it mattered.

How do you motivate people who don’t seem as driven as you are?

**By focusing your communication on what they want, not just what you want—because they spend almost 100% of their day thinking about their priorities, just like you do.** The leadership challenge appears when you need their cooperation: they’re not naturally interested in your needs, your requirements, or your deadlines. So if you keep talking from your perspective only, motivation stays low and resistance stays high.

Instead, “arouse in the other person an eager want.” Ask what the team member wants, and learn it in detail. Then connect your request to something they see as directly positive for them—growth, recognition, stability, autonomy, skill-building, smoother workload, or clearer expectations. Listen to what comes out of your mouth: if it’s all about you and when you want it, cooperation will stay limited.

Do now: Add one line to your next request—“What would make this easier or more valuable for you?”—and then use the answer.

What should leaders do now to strengthen relationships fast?

**Start with the uncomfortable truth: as leaders, we get the team and the results we deserve, and improvement begins with changing ourselves.** That can feel painful, difficult, and embarrassing, but it’s the highest-leverage move you have. The alternative is to keep whining about the “bad hand” you’ve been dealt—comforting in the moment, but corrosive over time.

If you want a happier work environment where people feel appreciated and perform better, commit to three daily behaviours: (1) remove criticism and condemnation, (2) give specific, sincere appreciation, and (3) communicate in a way that connects work to what the other person wants. These principles are simple, but they’re powerful precisely because most leaders don’t apply them consistently.

Do now: Choose one principle to practise all week—no criticism, evidence-based appreciation, or “eager want” questions—and measure what changes in response and results.

Conclusion

Strong team relationships aren’t built by wishing people were different. They’re built by leaders who accept how teams naturally distribute performance, then lead the whole system with intention, respect, and consistency. Change your approach first, and you’ll change what comes back to you—because relationships and results always move together.

Quick Actions (This Week)

• Catch yourself before you criticise—replace it with a clear next-step request.

• Give one piece of specific, evidence-based appreciation every day.

• Ask one “eager want” question in every 1:1: “What do you want from this, and what would help you succeed?”

• Spend meaningful time with the “middle 60%,” not only your top performers.

FAQs

**Does this mean I should ignore poor performance?** No—hold standards, but remove condemnation and defensiveness so people can actually improve.

**Is praise inappropriate or “unprofessional”?** No—when praise is specific and evidence-based, it strengthens trust and increases cooperation without feeling fake.

**What if someone still doesn’t change?** You can’t control their choices, but you can control your approach—and that is often enough to shift engagement and outcomes.

Author Credentials

Dr. Greg Story, Ph.D. in Japanese Decision-Making, is President of Dale Carnegie Tokyo Training and Adjunct Professor at Griffith University. He is a two-time winner of the Dale Carnegie “One Carnegie Award” (2018, 2021) and recipient of the Griffith University Business School Outstanding Alumnus Award (2012). As a Dale Carnegie Master Trainer, Greg is certified to deliver globally across all leadership, communication, sales, and presentation programs, including Leadership Training for Results.

He has written several books, including three best-sellers — Japan Business Mastery, Japan Sales Mastery, and Japan Presentations Mastery — along with Japan Leadership Mastery and How to Stop Wasting Money on Training. His works have also been translated into Japanese, including Za Eigyō (ザ営業), Purezen no Tatsujin (プレゼンの達人), Torēningu de Okane o Muda ni Suru no wa Yamemashō (トレーニングでお金を無駄にするのはやめましょう), and Gendaiban “Hito o Ugokasu” Rīdā (現代版「人を動かす」リーダー).

In addition to his books, Greg publishes daily blogs on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter, offering practical insights on leadership, communication, and Japanese business culture. He is also the host of six weekly podcasts, including The Leadership Japan Series, The Sales Japan Series, The Presentations Japan Series, Japan Business Mastery, and Japan’s Top Business Interviews. On YouTube, he produces three weekly shows — The Cutting Edge Japan Business Show, Japan Business Mastery, and Japan’s Top Business Interviews — which have become leading resources for executives seeking strategies for success in Japan.